Fear

Lately, I've been seeing requests for homemade masks since medical professionals are experiencing shortages during this critical time.  I can sew but part of me hesitated.    As I struggled with my project pile and finding things that I could do before making a mask, I realized that making masks made this crisis real.  I didn't want to go there.  I don't want to admit that I am worried and as much as I want to block out the world right now, now seems the worst time not to be engaged in some way. 

I turn a deaf ear to worst-case-scenario talk.  Instead, I see the humorous posts from people who are probably scared like me and doing the best they can to live as normally as possible.   Normal right now is worrying about having enough toilet paper, finding enough things to do, figuring out how to maintain sanity as the family trapped with you deals with their own fears in their own awkward ways.  Most of us avoiding the topic because there is so much unknown and out of our control about a pandemic.  What is there to say?

The last time I worried about toilet paper was as a kid.  With eight people in the house and never much stock on hand, finding the cupboard bare wasn't uncommon.  Remembering how to ration is coming in handy now.    We often scraped by with four rolls at a time.  Yes, four rolls.  I learned to vigilantly check the closet to figure out just when I'd have to pedal to the store to buy another four-pack.  A good day was an eight-pack, if I could shake enough money out of mom's purse.  I'd pedal home, a big pack of toilet paper balanced on my handle bars feeling like I'd captured a prize.

As God was Scarlett O' Hara's witness,  I too, made a silent vow, that as an adult with a family of my own, I'd always have enough toilet paper on hand (that and groceries).   Picture me, in antebellum Southern attire, cheeks tanned and smudged with soil, shaking my first at the quickening sky,  "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."   (I first read Gone with the Wind when I was 16.  After reading,  I had to find a costume pattern for a Scarlett-style dress which I made and wore, sitting in my backyard in the summer shade to keep that devil sun from turning my skin too tan.  I was such a weird kid.)

So far, so good.  Weird kid grew up into a quirky woman but it could be a lot worse.  I gathered a few skills along the way.   Avoiding crowds or wading through them quickly is just one of them.   When the madness began and people were swarming the big stores, we found abundance in the smaller locations and got what we felt would tide us through a while, without going overboard.  Wealth measured in TP.   Never would have guessed.

Today, I faced one of my fears and tried making a mask, hoping that they may be useful.  Reading about M-13 filters and particulates added to my concern that I might be engaging in an act of futility but I shut the door to such thinking and hoped for the best.  Then, I cut out more fabric and went on-line in search of elastic.  Wow!  Elastic is in high demand.  One seller on eBay wanted $7.50 for 10 yards but wanted more than $17.00 for shipping.  My mind wanted to rant about "some people" but it seemed too great an effort.  There are more important things with which to fill my mind. 

For example: many people remain kind and caring.  They try to observe distance as we nervously wait in lines at the grocery store.  They smile more, from a distance, yes, but a smile that shows a deeper concern and awareness then I've seen for a long time.  So many good people are using humor to cope.  They are checking in more on social media.  They are posting about their families and the simpler things.  So many good people are trying to focus on the moment, deal with their fear and anxiety and recognize that we're not alone at all.

Never has being mindful and in the moment been more important.  I struggle to pull myself back to the now because I don't want to waste time on the non-essential.  Fear, I will acknowledge but I won't allow it to keep me from enjoying the amazing weather outside, the smell of fresh baked bread, a smile, a kiss from my husband. 

There are a lot of crazy things going on now.  There always are, but the good, it's there too, waiting to be seen, acknowledged and enjoyed.  Don't waste a minute.